More Than an Accountability Partner
Looking back I feel between the Bible study, my prayer life, the ministries I was involved with, personal soul winning, Bible college, and faithfully attending church, even in the midst of porn I had a right relationship with God. My problem was I had a wrong relationship with his people. Not having a right relationship with God’s people may or may not be why I started looking at porn, but it is certainly why I couldn’t leave it.
Maybe you are wondering how I could have a right relationship with God and a wrong relationship with his people. Its simple, it takes two people to have a relationship.
At my dads funeral I remember several men telling my mom that they would be there for me. None of those men were ever there for me. I remember my pastor telling my mom he would be there for me. I publicly submitted to God’s call to the ministry when I was 12. When I was 16 I recognized I need to be discipled. This pastor who told my mom he would be there for me at my dad’s funeral, told me point blank he would not disciple me. I had two Bible college professors tell me point blank they would not disciple me. Until my current pastor I never one time had any man take me under their wing. Every young man needs a Paul. Until I found my Paul I was not in a right relationship with God’s people. Until I was in a right relationship with God’s People I could not overcome my addiction.
If a young man comes to you with his porn addiction it is not good enough to be his accountability partner. He needs a Paul. For whatever reason God has laid it on this young man’s heart that you are to be his Paul. If you feel you are unqualified, great then you get to lean on God.
If this young man follows my advice he will not start his relationship with you by telling you he is addicted to porn. He will feel you out and see if you will help him in other areas of his life. After he feels he can trust you and you won’t just blow him off he will confess his porn addiction to you.
I cannot begin to tell you how vulnerable a Christian has to get to tell a Christian in authority about their porn addiction. I have done it three times. The first time to my mom, and she thought grounding was the solution. She had no idea that it hurt me to not look at porn and masturbate by the time I told her. Plus she was my mom how could I tell her that. The second time was to the Vice President of my Bible college. He listened and was never there to listen to me again, pushing me back to isolation. Then the last time was to my current pastor who took me under his wing, and loved me, and listened to me, and bore my burden.
Once the porn addiction is confessed expect to hear about struggles often for the next few months. I strongly recommend that they talk to you about their withdrawal symptoms and anything they are struggling to give up and anything thing they can’t seem to get out of their head. The longer they have been addicted to porn the longer it will take for their mind and withdrawal symptoms to settle down. Someone who looked at porn for a month will be healed far quicker than someone who looked at it for a decade. Please show them patience and love.
As they are getting porn out of their life, they will need to replace it with something. As their Paul I would encourage you to find ways for them to use their spiritual gifts. If they do not know what their spiritual gifts are then you have a project to solve together. Find a place where they enjoy serving God. And then guide them in it.
As they get porn out of their life they almost certainly have other baggage in their life. Help them deal with it. Perhaps you are thinking that baggage is something they should deal with once they are engaged. Scripturally speaking its not a fiancé’s job to deal their fiancé’s baggage it’s a Paul’s job to deal with a Timothy’s baggage. And when the day comes for a Timothy to be engaged it is simply time to tell their fiancé about the baggage he has dealt with.
The Bible tells us in Galatians 6:1 if a man be overtaken in a fault ye which are spiritual restore such an one. Pauls deal with your Timothy’s baggage.
Romans 15:1 says “We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak.” When I was in Bible college one of my professors taught a class on discipleship. He told us how every Christian needs a Paul and every Christian needs a Timothy. I went up to him after class and told him I needed a Paul and he told me point blank he would not be it. He told me if I could not find a Paul to find a friend and study the Bible with him. I took his advice and got together with a friend and we began studying our Bibles together at breakfast during the week. I learned so much about the Bible but neither one of us could bear each other’s infirmities. We both needed someone stronger in our life, but they didn’t have time for us. I watched a friend fall because no one was willing to be his Paul. It was probably 6 years from that time until I found my Paul.
When I was in Bible college I was taught to not get close to people. I have talked to several pastors who were taught the same thing in their Bible college. There are a lot of really good reasons to not get close to people, but only one reason to get close. God tells you to.
See if you deal with your Timothy’s addiction, help him use his spiritual gifts, begin helping him deal with all sorts of baggage throughout his life, then you are going to get close to this guy. Getting close to people is dangerous. It’s much safer to be an accountability partner than to be a Paul. Throughout the new testament Paul got so close to people he described his relationship as a father and son relationship (I Corinthians 4:14-15, Philippians 2:22, I Thessalonians 2:11, I Timothy 1:2, II Timothy 1:2, Titus 1:4 to name a few).
To make matters worse Paul got so close to Onesimus he offered to pay off any debt he owed. Could you imagine getting so close to a young man that you would pay off his debt? Being a Paul can move your soul for a young man so much it can cost you something.
But the thing is, although there is certainly a cost in time, money, and heartache there is a payback.
III John 1:1-4 “The elder unto the wellbeloved Gaius, whom I love in the truth. Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. For I rejoiced greatly, when the brethren came and testified of the truth that is in thee, even as thou walkest in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
The writer of III John refers to his disciple as his child. Not out of endearment or religious language but out of closeness. Then said that his greatest joy is that this disciple walks in truth. Why do you suppose he walked in truth? Because the writer of III John treated this disciple like a father would treat his son. He personally guided him in this walk. This was the greatest joy in his life. I have to wonder how many men of God are denying themselves the greatest joy mentioned in the Bible simply because they are afraid to get close to people because they might get hurt.
Your goal is not to be this young mans accountability partner. Your goal is to treat this young man as a father would treat his son. Your goal is to invite him into your life to the point where it is not uncommon for this young man to eat at your table. Where it is a delight to spend a few dollars on him. To where you worry about him like he was one of your children.
Then as time goes by and he overcomes his addiction, and baggage as time goes by and he uses his gifts to the glory of God as he learns emotional and spiritual intimacy because of the relationship you have with him. One day this young man will get engaged and a young lady will come to you and thank you when she finds out all you have done for him. God is using you to fine tune this young man for this young woman. You are not waiting for her to come by and fix him during the engagement. You have turned him into a good man who will be a good husband to her from day one.
But only if you are more than an accountability partner.
Maybe you are wondering how I could have a right relationship with God and a wrong relationship with his people. Its simple, it takes two people to have a relationship.
At my dads funeral I remember several men telling my mom that they would be there for me. None of those men were ever there for me. I remember my pastor telling my mom he would be there for me. I publicly submitted to God’s call to the ministry when I was 12. When I was 16 I recognized I need to be discipled. This pastor who told my mom he would be there for me at my dad’s funeral, told me point blank he would not disciple me. I had two Bible college professors tell me point blank they would not disciple me. Until my current pastor I never one time had any man take me under their wing. Every young man needs a Paul. Until I found my Paul I was not in a right relationship with God’s people. Until I was in a right relationship with God’s People I could not overcome my addiction.
If a young man comes to you with his porn addiction it is not good enough to be his accountability partner. He needs a Paul. For whatever reason God has laid it on this young man’s heart that you are to be his Paul. If you feel you are unqualified, great then you get to lean on God.
If this young man follows my advice he will not start his relationship with you by telling you he is addicted to porn. He will feel you out and see if you will help him in other areas of his life. After he feels he can trust you and you won’t just blow him off he will confess his porn addiction to you.
I cannot begin to tell you how vulnerable a Christian has to get to tell a Christian in authority about their porn addiction. I have done it three times. The first time to my mom, and she thought grounding was the solution. She had no idea that it hurt me to not look at porn and masturbate by the time I told her. Plus she was my mom how could I tell her that. The second time was to the Vice President of my Bible college. He listened and was never there to listen to me again, pushing me back to isolation. Then the last time was to my current pastor who took me under his wing, and loved me, and listened to me, and bore my burden.
Once the porn addiction is confessed expect to hear about struggles often for the next few months. I strongly recommend that they talk to you about their withdrawal symptoms and anything they are struggling to give up and anything thing they can’t seem to get out of their head. The longer they have been addicted to porn the longer it will take for their mind and withdrawal symptoms to settle down. Someone who looked at porn for a month will be healed far quicker than someone who looked at it for a decade. Please show them patience and love.
As they are getting porn out of their life, they will need to replace it with something. As their Paul I would encourage you to find ways for them to use their spiritual gifts. If they do not know what their spiritual gifts are then you have a project to solve together. Find a place where they enjoy serving God. And then guide them in it.
As they get porn out of their life they almost certainly have other baggage in their life. Help them deal with it. Perhaps you are thinking that baggage is something they should deal with once they are engaged. Scripturally speaking its not a fiancé’s job to deal their fiancé’s baggage it’s a Paul’s job to deal with a Timothy’s baggage. And when the day comes for a Timothy to be engaged it is simply time to tell their fiancé about the baggage he has dealt with.
The Bible tells us in Galatians 6:1 if a man be overtaken in a fault ye which are spiritual restore such an one. Pauls deal with your Timothy’s baggage.
Romans 15:1 says “We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak.” When I was in Bible college one of my professors taught a class on discipleship. He told us how every Christian needs a Paul and every Christian needs a Timothy. I went up to him after class and told him I needed a Paul and he told me point blank he would not be it. He told me if I could not find a Paul to find a friend and study the Bible with him. I took his advice and got together with a friend and we began studying our Bibles together at breakfast during the week. I learned so much about the Bible but neither one of us could bear each other’s infirmities. We both needed someone stronger in our life, but they didn’t have time for us. I watched a friend fall because no one was willing to be his Paul. It was probably 6 years from that time until I found my Paul.
When I was in Bible college I was taught to not get close to people. I have talked to several pastors who were taught the same thing in their Bible college. There are a lot of really good reasons to not get close to people, but only one reason to get close. God tells you to.
See if you deal with your Timothy’s addiction, help him use his spiritual gifts, begin helping him deal with all sorts of baggage throughout his life, then you are going to get close to this guy. Getting close to people is dangerous. It’s much safer to be an accountability partner than to be a Paul. Throughout the new testament Paul got so close to people he described his relationship as a father and son relationship (I Corinthians 4:14-15, Philippians 2:22, I Thessalonians 2:11, I Timothy 1:2, II Timothy 1:2, Titus 1:4 to name a few).
To make matters worse Paul got so close to Onesimus he offered to pay off any debt he owed. Could you imagine getting so close to a young man that you would pay off his debt? Being a Paul can move your soul for a young man so much it can cost you something.
But the thing is, although there is certainly a cost in time, money, and heartache there is a payback.
III John 1:1-4 “The elder unto the wellbeloved Gaius, whom I love in the truth. Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. For I rejoiced greatly, when the brethren came and testified of the truth that is in thee, even as thou walkest in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
The writer of III John refers to his disciple as his child. Not out of endearment or religious language but out of closeness. Then said that his greatest joy is that this disciple walks in truth. Why do you suppose he walked in truth? Because the writer of III John treated this disciple like a father would treat his son. He personally guided him in this walk. This was the greatest joy in his life. I have to wonder how many men of God are denying themselves the greatest joy mentioned in the Bible simply because they are afraid to get close to people because they might get hurt.
Your goal is not to be this young mans accountability partner. Your goal is to treat this young man as a father would treat his son. Your goal is to invite him into your life to the point where it is not uncommon for this young man to eat at your table. Where it is a delight to spend a few dollars on him. To where you worry about him like he was one of your children.
Then as time goes by and he overcomes his addiction, and baggage as time goes by and he uses his gifts to the glory of God as he learns emotional and spiritual intimacy because of the relationship you have with him. One day this young man will get engaged and a young lady will come to you and thank you when she finds out all you have done for him. God is using you to fine tune this young man for this young woman. You are not waiting for her to come by and fix him during the engagement. You have turned him into a good man who will be a good husband to her from day one.
But only if you are more than an accountability partner.