I Think My Porn Addiction Was Inevitable
Most guys who get addicted to porn discovered their dads stash, or had a buddy bring porn over, my story is very different. My dad taught me to bounce my eyes away from immodesty. I can remember being 8 or 9 at my uncles house, and he had HBO on, and a naked woman came on tv and I bounced my eyes away. When I was in middle school and all the kids were talking about their porn habits I stepped away. Because of how I grew up porn could not attack me directly, but I think it was inevitable that I got addicted to porn.
From a young age even though I knew porn was wrong I only got two messages about sex. Sex feels good, and you need to wait until your married to have sex. Year after year getting these two messages made me inevitably think “How much pleasure can I get without doing wrong?” At first my addiction was limited to what was written in books. Books don’t show immodesty, they only describe it, so I convinced myself it was okay. I wanted as much pleasure as I could get without doing wrong. So of course I pushed the limit and pushed the limit and pretty quickly became addicted to porn.
When I was a child when immodesty came on tv or a sex scene happened I only turned my head or closed my eyes, because that was wrong. But I was never taught why it was wrong. I wish somewhere along the way I was taught that sex scenes in movies are sad because when these people have sex they are getting as close as a person can get to each other and then after they get so close they break up. I wish I was taught when I was little how sad it is to get so close to someone only to leave them. I wish I was taught that is why God made sex for marriage exclusively, so that a couple can get closer to each other than anyone else for the rest of their lives, and when it happens outside of marriage it is sad.
I wonder how things would be different if I had been taught that in the Bible it often describes sex as knowing one another, and that God designed sex so that you can know that one person better than anyone else in the world.
Because the only message I got about sex was how fun, amazing, great, and pleasurable it was I think it was inevitable I got addicted to porn.
Personally I think there is a message of how fun, amazing, great and pleasurable sex is because so many pastors and councilors are stumped as to why they are counseling so many people who are struggling with sex. Focus on the family has repeatedly said on their radio program that the number one problem people call them about is intimacy issues. And my understanding is that when they say intimacy they mean sex.
Until sometime after I confessed my addiction to my pastor I never viewed intimacy as anything other than sex, then I read Matthew Kelly’s book “Seven levels of intimacy” and it really defined what I was trying to do with my pastor. One of the reasons why I believe it was inevitable I got addicted to porn is because I was never intimate with anyone on an intellectual, emotional or spiritual level.
My dad died when I was in fifth grade, I have always loved my mom, but she is my mom so there has always been something of a wall I set up between me and her. She’s my mom I want to protect her. Outside of my mom every relationship I had was either detrimental/abusive/bullying or shallow. As a teen and single I had severe intimacy issues and none of them had to do with sex. I just had no idea how to interact with people.
Women are much more intimate creatures than men, and I believe that is one reason why there are a lot less women who view porn than men. According to barna about 20% of women view porn at least monthly vs 64% of men http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries/entry/13/26032
To overcome my addiction I had to develop intimacy skills in the intellectual, emotional and spiritual realm. I could not deal with porn without intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy helping me fight it, but I also think this is one of the reasons why being addicted to porn was inevitable. I believe a part of my addiction was fueled by isolation. This isn’t the case with everyone. I know a lot of people whose dad shared porn with them, or porn was shared between friends and it became a sort of male bonding. But without a doubt my addiction was fueled by isolation, simply because I never learned how to develop intimacy with those around me.
If I was taught the lessons of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy when I was 12 or 13 I wonder if I would have dodged the porn bullet. If I was taught how that sex is only a tiny part of intimacy I wonder if I would have dodged the porn bullet.
Galatians 6:2 says to bear one another’s burdens. I have to wonder how things would be different if I learned how to share my burdens with others, and learned how to let others share their burdens with me. I don’t think 12 or 13 is to young of an age to learn those lessons. I am very grateful to my pastor for letting me learn that lesson at 28, but I wish I learned it much sooner.
I think I would have definitely dodged porn if the bonding aspect of sex had been made clear to me when I was young right alongside the bounce your eyes lessons. But if I had been taught about intimacy without the lesson on bonding I might have dodged the porn bullet.
I think without either of these lessons it was inevitable that I became addicted to porn.
I am writing this article not to sit here and complain about how things were done wrong in my life. No matter who you are, no matter how good your parents are or how good your church is, there will be some level of failing done. I am genuinely not bitter against anybody. But I do wish to change the discussion on purity in the church because with a few tweaks I feel that I would never have gotten addicted to porn, so perhaps with a few tweaks other young people can dodge the porn bullet.
Perhaps you think I am bitter against Dobson but I am not. I feel that he is the greatest councilor that Christianity has today, but I feel that he is dead wrong on how he presents purity to young people. To my understanding every other family ministry presents the purity message nearly identical to what Dobson does, so they too are wrong. I am not saying this as an expert, I am saying this as one who has born the burden of what they taught.
Two lessons. One on the bonding aspect of sex, and one on what intimacy is besides sex would have gone a long way to helping me dodge the porn bullet. Both lessons have done an amazing job of allowing me to get away from porn.
Perhaps you think that I am saying sex is bad. I am not. But I wish to make it clear that I think it’s incredibly counterproductive to teach purity by telling young people how great, awesome, amazing and pleasurable sex is.
I feel that if you are teaching young people to wait until they are married to have sex then it doesn’t matter how awesome, amazing, great, fun, pleasurable sex is. But if you are telling young people to wait to have sex it matters immensely how much of a bond sex makes between two people, and that young people need to learn how to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with people long before they get married and have sex. Because if sex is about bonding, then intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are paramount to those waiting on marriage for sex. Because if sex is about bonding then intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy is something they can actively learn to develop while they wait on marriage to have sex.
A lot is said by Christians overcoming porn about authentic sexuality. I am not married, the young people you are talking to purity about are not married. We don’t need to know about authentic sexuality yet. I think we need to know about and practice authentic intimacy and once married that will transit into authentic sexuality.
Again I am by no means an expert, but I am one who bears the burden. I am a single, a virgin, waiting on marriage for sex. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents gave me some lessons that delayed me getting into porn, but if I had the lessons on bonding, and intimacy I don’t think I would have gotten into porn, without them I think porn addiction was inevitable.