Bible Supporting Step 2
In the article on the Bible behind fasting, we needed to know that fasting really touched porn addiction in nearly all areas, so it was necessary to go through most of the Bible verses on fasting. But in understanding the Bible on counseling we need to clarify what counseling is because it is easy to confuse forgiveness for counseling and some people are so confused when it comes to counseling addiction they think they need to institute church discipline instead of counseling.
Biblical counseling is simply one Christian bearing another person’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) many times it is for that person to experience healing from their fault (James 5:16). In the case of an addiction someone who is spiritual is to restore someone who is overcome by that fault (Galatians 6:1). Bearing burdens, healing, and restoration cannot be done if no one is there to council you.
This counseling is NOT forgiveness. Forgiveness comes through Christ. We are all sinners because of the first sin, by Adam and Eve, and their sin passed down to us. Sins penalty is separation from God, and hell. But God loved humanity so he made a way for us to miss out on that penalty. Christ left heaven and came to earth, by being born of a virgin. He lived 33 years on earth, and in that time he never sinned one time. Then after 33 years he was arrested falsely accused and put to death on the cross so that he could pay the price for our sin. Forgiveness isn’t saying that there is no price for sinning but that Christ paid the price with his death. 3 days later Christ rose from the dead proving who he was. When you confess your sins and accept Jesus as your savior you are forgiven.
But just because you are forgiven doesn’t mean you will never sin again. Romans 7:15 says, “For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.” Paul wrote the book of romans, and he was saying flatly that there are thinks he wants that are right and good that he doesn’t do, but there are things that he hates that he does. How often has my addiction done this to me? I wanted to go do something that I loved but instead chose to go partake of my addiction that I hate. Every Christian struggles with this to some degree. Forgiveness does not take away the struggle.
But doesn’t I John 1:9 say, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
In the past I remember reading this verse, confessing my porn addiction, and then wondering why I still struggled with porn. I have heard men say if you confess your sin and still struggle with it then you didn’t do business with God. The problem with these two thoughts is they take I John 1:9 out of context.
I John 1:7-2:3 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.”
Verse 7 makes it clear that when verse 9 is talking about cleansing us from our sins, its not talking about never being tempted again, or never failing again, but it is talking about how the Blood of Jesus Covers our sins. Verses 8 and 10 says that if we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves, so if you think confessing your sins will make you never sin again in this flesh you are deceiving yourself. Paul makes it clear in Romans 7 that as long as we live in the flesh we will struggle with sin.
Again I John clarifies that when Jesus cleanses sin he is not taking away the temptation or the possibility of sinning again, in 2:1. He encourages us not to sin, but if we mess up and fail we have an advocate with the father in Jesus Christ. How could I believe, or how could others believe that when I struggle with sin and temptation that I didn’t do business with God? The Bible is clear here that when we confess our sins Jesus stands up for us, because of his blood.
Being forgiven does not give you automatic victory over temptation. Forgiveness is not the solution for victory over this addiction, or any addiction. Obedience is. In I John 2 tells us that we know that we know Him if we keep His commandments. I know you’re thinking you failed to keep His commandments when you looked at porn. But you also fail to keep his commandments when you are overwhelmed by sin and temptation, and do not tell anyone.
Gal 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
How can someone bear your burdens if you never tell them about your secret burden?
I know the Bible tells us in I Peter 5:7 to cast all our cares upon him. But if you want to know the truth, for years I continue prayed to God, confessing my sin of porn, and casting my care of being addicted to porn because I was too proud to let anybody know about my addiction because I was too ashamed to let them know. Truth be told I was also often too fearful to let them know.
Please understand it’s not only cast your care upon him, or only share your burden, it’s BOTH!
You need to understand something about how God made humanity. When God made Adam he made Adam to walk with God, but once Adam was made, God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone (note he did not say it wasn’t good for man to be unmarried, he said alone). God made Adam with the need to be with God AND other people. God made you with a need to cast your care on him, AND share your heart with at least one other Christian. When you share your heart you are not being faithless, you are being obedient to quite a lot of Scriptures.
Even when we quote I John 1:9 the context of the scripture is fellowship. I John 1:6 talks about fellowship with God, and verse 7 talks about fellowship with man. We were made for both.
For years and years I wondered why God let me struggle with this addiction. I am now very aware of Genesis 50:20 where Joseph tells his brothers the evil they did to him, God meant for good. The good thing that comes out of this addiction is that if you are going to overcome it as a single person it requires personal discipleship. This addiction forces you into something you need.
Often times when we confess this addiction we want to confess it to someone who cannot help us. More often than not the first person we confess this sin to is a friend (I was too proud so I went against the grain here). But the Bible says in Galatians 6:1 “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness.” The Bible is talking to all the Christians when it says brethren, but the Bible is clear only those who are spiritual can restore the Christian struggling with a fault.
When you confess this addiction to someone who is spiritual and they go about the process to restore you, the time and energy it will take to restore you will in essence be personal discipleship. That really is the good that comes out of this sin. Especially as that personal discipleship spreads to areas in your life other than your addiction.
A good picture of what this will end up looking like can be found in I Corinthians 12 where the Bible deals with the Body of Christ. I Corinthians was not written to a perfect church doing everything right. I Corinthians was written to a church overwhelmed by sin, especially sexual sin. So I Corinthians 12 is likely to be a good skeleton of what you will face in personal discipleship, after you confess your sins.
The first part of I Corinthians 12 deals with spiritual gifts. Back when we talked about fasting I said that fasting is a wonderful opportunity to get things out of your life that drew you to porn. Well now that those things are gone you have a vacuum in your life, and you need to fill that vacuum in part by using your spiritual gifts. Part of the restoration process will be you using your spiritual gifts. If you don’t know what those are, it’s a good thing you confessed your sin to someone who is spiritual because they can help you learn about them. If they don’t know what they are then you can learn together.
Confessing your sin to a spiritual man in the church, and using your gifts in the church is the process of you becoming a part of the local body of Christ.
If you are reading this and are wondering how you “insert self deprecating phrase” can be a member of the local body of Christ with your past, then you really need to read I Corinthians 12, because it says in verse 22, “Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary.” If you consider yourself feeble because of your past, according to this verse you are necessary in the Body of Christ. Your feebleness is your qualification.
Without a doubt this addiction has harmed your testimony but the Bible tells the leaders in the church, including that more spiritual brother who is to council and mentor you, in verse 23 “And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour.” You are thinking that because you have this addiction you are less honorable than other people, but God tells the church to bestow more abundant honor on you. Not because you are living in sin, but because you are in the process of repenting from that sin. This process only starts when you confess your sin to that spiritual brother in the church.
In I Corinthians 12 everything about the local body of Christ is wrapped up with this statement “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.”
Every Christian that is suffering from a porn addiction and doesn’t let anyone help them bear their burden is in the midst of two sins. One is obviously porn, but the other is making a schism in the church. The other people in the church especially those which are spiritual are commanded to have the same care for you as they do themselves, to suffer when you suffer, to bear your burdens. But if you never tell anybody how can they do that?
I get how much suffering comes with a porn addiction, but understand the church is commanded to suffer with you. If you don’t let anyone know about your withdrawal symptoms, how fasting is going, how you were surprised by a random attack, etc how can the church be obedient and suffer with you? At the same time as you gain victory and go a few weeks without looking at porn, then a few months, or pass the year mark, as you begin to view sex very differently, and women differently, as you pile on victories if you don’t let anyone know how can they rejoice with you? Whether suffering or victory as you overcome this sin you are to let someone in your local body of Christ know about it.
Even if we go back to I John it expounds this principle. It tells us that if we walk in the light we have fellowship one with another. If we expose this terrible addiction to a spiritual person in the church, then we have fellowship. If we hide it, then we are hiding the most difficult damaging destructive thing in our life. And hiding something that is such a big part of our life makes it impossible to have fellowship. But when it is exposed it takes away the power from that sin, and when you expose it to someone who can help you it will allow you to have better fellowship than you have ever had in your life.
The fear here is that if you expose this sin to someone who is spiritual in the church then you will be judged. Usually the spiritual person in your church community is someone in authority, and it is easy to fear condemnation. But if the person you share this addiction with, this suffering with is obedient to God’s word you have nothing to fear.
The first set of Bible verses on this subject are
Mat 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
Mat 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
Mat 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
So when there is some sort of trespass, sin or fault that happens one person is to go to that person and confront them. If they HEAR you then you have gained a brother. The word hear is very important. Sometimes due to the addictive nature of sin people cannot stop immediately but they can begin to start the process of setting up their life to stop sin. The brother that goes to them and tells them there fault should be there to bear their burden and start the restoration process.
But if this person wants to continue in their sin then that brother who pointed out the fault is to go get one or two people and point out the fault. If they hear them, then the restoration process should start. Where these men begin the process of restoring this man to right fellowship, and helping to forbear him through his temptation and fault.
But if he will not hear the two or three people confronting his sin then they are to bring it before the church and the entire church is to confront the sin. If he hears the church then the entire church makes it a point to bear burdens, suffer when he suffers, to try to restore lost honor.
But if he will not hear the entire church then he is to be cast out. The problem with church discipline is that so many churches and Christian ministries skip point one, two and three and start on point four. Point one is to repent, point two is to repent, point three is to repent. Point four is if they will not repent then there is judgement. But the judgement only comes with a rejection of repentance.
The only place in the new testament where church discipline was practiced was in I Corinthians and II Corinthians, but if we miss the II Corinthians part we miss so much.
1Co 5:1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife.
1Co 5:2 And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.
1Co 5:3 For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed,
1Co 5:4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ,
1Co 5:5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.
According to I Corinthians 5 there was a man who was having sex with his step mother, and the church in Corinth asked Paul what to do. Paul wrote back that they should have mourned and kicked him out of the church because he is unrepentant. The church in Corinth had clearly confronted this man and he continued doing what he did, and he was still going to church with everyone else. Paul said to kick him out and let Satan have him. But then II Corinthians happens.
2Co 2:4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote unto you with many tears; not that ye should be grieved, but that ye might know the love which I have more abundantly unto you.
2Co 2:5 But if any have caused grief, he hath not grieved me, but in part: that I may not overcharge you all.
2Co 2:6 Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many.
2Co 2:7 So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.
2Co 2:8 Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.
2Co 2:9 For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things.
2Co 2:10 To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ;
2Co 2:11 Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.
After this man was kicked out of the church he endured a lot of suffering, and recognized his suffering was due to his sin. When he came back to the church the people were weeping over this man they had to kick out. They were weeping and praying that he would turn away from his sin, and when he came back they forgave him, and restored him. When someone has to be kicked out of church due to unrepentant sin then the church is praying and weeping for the prodigal to come back.
In the story of the prodigal son, when the prodigal son was in the pig pen he came to his senses and came home. The reason why the church kicks out members living in unrepentant sin should be for the sole purpose of allowing them to see what a mess they are making of their life. That cannot happen if they are in the local church. Once they see the mess they are making and repentance is sought then they should immediately be welcome back to the church. Because the final part of church discipline is repentance.
So church discipline is part one repentance, part two repentance, part three repentance, part four judgement, part five repentance.
I said that to say this, if you think confessing your sin will bring judgement you should not worry. If the person you confess your sin to is a little spiritual, and knows a little about the Bible then it should bring no judgement.
That said please note just because you confess your sin to a spiritual man in the church does not mean he can help you, and there are a lot of reasons for that.
Spend at least a month getting to know the man you intend to confess your sin to. Confess other faults to him and see if he can help you out. If he is judgmental, hypocritical, Pharisee then you know better than to say anything to him. If he simply does not have the time or experience to help you, then you know to find someone else. If he is to immature to help find someone more mature.
In the scripture on fasting article there were two places in scripture where fasting came before confession. Fast before you confess. Pray and fast how you reveal this sin, not to mention pray and fast on how to build a relationship so that you can reveal this addiction.
Bearing the burdens of other Christians including porn addiction is a very necessary part of any mature Christians life. Over in I Thessalonians 3:1 Paul said that when he could no longer forbear he went to Athens alone. In other words when he could no longer bear another Christians burdens he stepped out of the ministry until he could.
Just in case you have any question of what he was forbearing over in verse 5 he tells them that when he could no longer forbear he sent timothy lest that the tempter tempt them and make their labor in vain. In other words he was forbearing their temptation. When he couldn’t do it any more he sent Timothy.
Helping you deal with your addiction and temptation is a necessary part of a mature spiritual Christians life. No mature spiritual Christian will cast you out over your addiction. Only a phony would do that.
As you consider who to reveal this very personal addiction to I want to make this clear, an accountability partner is not enough. You need a mentor. Perhaps for a married man an accountability partner is enough because for the married man he can share a lot of very personal parts of his life with his wife, but for you as an unmarried you really need a mentor where you can share and glean so much more.
The books of I Timothy, II Timothy, and Titus were written to young men Paul was so close to he called them his sons in the faith. The book of Philemon was written for the purpose of helping out Paul’s Son in the faith Onesimus. When Paul calls these people his sons in the faith he is not using flowery religious language he is saying that he has gotten so close to these young men that he loves, yearns, cares, etc for them as a parent does their own child.
In a very real way your goal should be to develop a relationship like that with a man in the church where you are so close that you will be sending him a card on father’s day. A relationship so close that you can share anything with this man. They really talked about everything. From sex, to modesty, marriage, work, church, politics, qualifications, discipleship, etc. Nearly everything you would talk about only with someone you really trusted is mentioned in these four books. Paul was so close to Onesimus that he offered to pay any debts Onesimus had from the time Onesimus sinned.
I am not going to outline I Timothy, II Timothy, Titus and Philemon for you just because that would take tens of thousands of words, if not hundreds of thousands of words. But I would encourage you to read I Timothy, II Timothy, and Titus as a conversation, as a mentor to his disciple so you can see how interconnected Paul’s life was with these young men. Read Philemon and see how much Paul cared for this young man he called his son in the faith.
An accountability partner is not enough for you. You need to develop this relationship like Paul had with Timothy, Titus, and Onesimus.
Being an accountability partner is not enough for your accountability partner. Perhaps you think in confessing your sin you are an imposition and you don’t want to bother those spiritual people in the church with your sin. But the Bible says in 3 John 1:4 “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” When John says children here he is talking about the young people he mentored. The greatest joy he had in life was knowing these young people were doing right. But until you confess your sin and bring it into the light you will not be in a place to be mentored, and in doing so you are robing men of God of the greatest Joy they can experience.
Certainly its not great joy when you confess, but a year down the road, five years down the road, twenty years down the road, as you keep in contact with your mentor and they see you doing right that is the greatest joy. Don’t rob them of that experience!
Biblical counseling is simply one Christian bearing another person’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) many times it is for that person to experience healing from their fault (James 5:16). In the case of an addiction someone who is spiritual is to restore someone who is overcome by that fault (Galatians 6:1). Bearing burdens, healing, and restoration cannot be done if no one is there to council you.
This counseling is NOT forgiveness. Forgiveness comes through Christ. We are all sinners because of the first sin, by Adam and Eve, and their sin passed down to us. Sins penalty is separation from God, and hell. But God loved humanity so he made a way for us to miss out on that penalty. Christ left heaven and came to earth, by being born of a virgin. He lived 33 years on earth, and in that time he never sinned one time. Then after 33 years he was arrested falsely accused and put to death on the cross so that he could pay the price for our sin. Forgiveness isn’t saying that there is no price for sinning but that Christ paid the price with his death. 3 days later Christ rose from the dead proving who he was. When you confess your sins and accept Jesus as your savior you are forgiven.
But just because you are forgiven doesn’t mean you will never sin again. Romans 7:15 says, “For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.” Paul wrote the book of romans, and he was saying flatly that there are thinks he wants that are right and good that he doesn’t do, but there are things that he hates that he does. How often has my addiction done this to me? I wanted to go do something that I loved but instead chose to go partake of my addiction that I hate. Every Christian struggles with this to some degree. Forgiveness does not take away the struggle.
But doesn’t I John 1:9 say, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
In the past I remember reading this verse, confessing my porn addiction, and then wondering why I still struggled with porn. I have heard men say if you confess your sin and still struggle with it then you didn’t do business with God. The problem with these two thoughts is they take I John 1:9 out of context.
I John 1:7-2:3 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.”
Verse 7 makes it clear that when verse 9 is talking about cleansing us from our sins, its not talking about never being tempted again, or never failing again, but it is talking about how the Blood of Jesus Covers our sins. Verses 8 and 10 says that if we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves, so if you think confessing your sins will make you never sin again in this flesh you are deceiving yourself. Paul makes it clear in Romans 7 that as long as we live in the flesh we will struggle with sin.
Again I John clarifies that when Jesus cleanses sin he is not taking away the temptation or the possibility of sinning again, in 2:1. He encourages us not to sin, but if we mess up and fail we have an advocate with the father in Jesus Christ. How could I believe, or how could others believe that when I struggle with sin and temptation that I didn’t do business with God? The Bible is clear here that when we confess our sins Jesus stands up for us, because of his blood.
Being forgiven does not give you automatic victory over temptation. Forgiveness is not the solution for victory over this addiction, or any addiction. Obedience is. In I John 2 tells us that we know that we know Him if we keep His commandments. I know you’re thinking you failed to keep His commandments when you looked at porn. But you also fail to keep his commandments when you are overwhelmed by sin and temptation, and do not tell anyone.
Gal 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
How can someone bear your burdens if you never tell them about your secret burden?
I know the Bible tells us in I Peter 5:7 to cast all our cares upon him. But if you want to know the truth, for years I continue prayed to God, confessing my sin of porn, and casting my care of being addicted to porn because I was too proud to let anybody know about my addiction because I was too ashamed to let them know. Truth be told I was also often too fearful to let them know.
Please understand it’s not only cast your care upon him, or only share your burden, it’s BOTH!
You need to understand something about how God made humanity. When God made Adam he made Adam to walk with God, but once Adam was made, God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone (note he did not say it wasn’t good for man to be unmarried, he said alone). God made Adam with the need to be with God AND other people. God made you with a need to cast your care on him, AND share your heart with at least one other Christian. When you share your heart you are not being faithless, you are being obedient to quite a lot of Scriptures.
Even when we quote I John 1:9 the context of the scripture is fellowship. I John 1:6 talks about fellowship with God, and verse 7 talks about fellowship with man. We were made for both.
For years and years I wondered why God let me struggle with this addiction. I am now very aware of Genesis 50:20 where Joseph tells his brothers the evil they did to him, God meant for good. The good thing that comes out of this addiction is that if you are going to overcome it as a single person it requires personal discipleship. This addiction forces you into something you need.
Often times when we confess this addiction we want to confess it to someone who cannot help us. More often than not the first person we confess this sin to is a friend (I was too proud so I went against the grain here). But the Bible says in Galatians 6:1 “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness.” The Bible is talking to all the Christians when it says brethren, but the Bible is clear only those who are spiritual can restore the Christian struggling with a fault.
When you confess this addiction to someone who is spiritual and they go about the process to restore you, the time and energy it will take to restore you will in essence be personal discipleship. That really is the good that comes out of this sin. Especially as that personal discipleship spreads to areas in your life other than your addiction.
A good picture of what this will end up looking like can be found in I Corinthians 12 where the Bible deals with the Body of Christ. I Corinthians was not written to a perfect church doing everything right. I Corinthians was written to a church overwhelmed by sin, especially sexual sin. So I Corinthians 12 is likely to be a good skeleton of what you will face in personal discipleship, after you confess your sins.
The first part of I Corinthians 12 deals with spiritual gifts. Back when we talked about fasting I said that fasting is a wonderful opportunity to get things out of your life that drew you to porn. Well now that those things are gone you have a vacuum in your life, and you need to fill that vacuum in part by using your spiritual gifts. Part of the restoration process will be you using your spiritual gifts. If you don’t know what those are, it’s a good thing you confessed your sin to someone who is spiritual because they can help you learn about them. If they don’t know what they are then you can learn together.
Confessing your sin to a spiritual man in the church, and using your gifts in the church is the process of you becoming a part of the local body of Christ.
If you are reading this and are wondering how you “insert self deprecating phrase” can be a member of the local body of Christ with your past, then you really need to read I Corinthians 12, because it says in verse 22, “Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary.” If you consider yourself feeble because of your past, according to this verse you are necessary in the Body of Christ. Your feebleness is your qualification.
Without a doubt this addiction has harmed your testimony but the Bible tells the leaders in the church, including that more spiritual brother who is to council and mentor you, in verse 23 “And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour.” You are thinking that because you have this addiction you are less honorable than other people, but God tells the church to bestow more abundant honor on you. Not because you are living in sin, but because you are in the process of repenting from that sin. This process only starts when you confess your sin to that spiritual brother in the church.
In I Corinthians 12 everything about the local body of Christ is wrapped up with this statement “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.”
Every Christian that is suffering from a porn addiction and doesn’t let anyone help them bear their burden is in the midst of two sins. One is obviously porn, but the other is making a schism in the church. The other people in the church especially those which are spiritual are commanded to have the same care for you as they do themselves, to suffer when you suffer, to bear your burdens. But if you never tell anybody how can they do that?
I get how much suffering comes with a porn addiction, but understand the church is commanded to suffer with you. If you don’t let anyone know about your withdrawal symptoms, how fasting is going, how you were surprised by a random attack, etc how can the church be obedient and suffer with you? At the same time as you gain victory and go a few weeks without looking at porn, then a few months, or pass the year mark, as you begin to view sex very differently, and women differently, as you pile on victories if you don’t let anyone know how can they rejoice with you? Whether suffering or victory as you overcome this sin you are to let someone in your local body of Christ know about it.
Even if we go back to I John it expounds this principle. It tells us that if we walk in the light we have fellowship one with another. If we expose this terrible addiction to a spiritual person in the church, then we have fellowship. If we hide it, then we are hiding the most difficult damaging destructive thing in our life. And hiding something that is such a big part of our life makes it impossible to have fellowship. But when it is exposed it takes away the power from that sin, and when you expose it to someone who can help you it will allow you to have better fellowship than you have ever had in your life.
The fear here is that if you expose this sin to someone who is spiritual in the church then you will be judged. Usually the spiritual person in your church community is someone in authority, and it is easy to fear condemnation. But if the person you share this addiction with, this suffering with is obedient to God’s word you have nothing to fear.
The first set of Bible verses on this subject are
Mat 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
Mat 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
Mat 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
So when there is some sort of trespass, sin or fault that happens one person is to go to that person and confront them. If they HEAR you then you have gained a brother. The word hear is very important. Sometimes due to the addictive nature of sin people cannot stop immediately but they can begin to start the process of setting up their life to stop sin. The brother that goes to them and tells them there fault should be there to bear their burden and start the restoration process.
But if this person wants to continue in their sin then that brother who pointed out the fault is to go get one or two people and point out the fault. If they hear them, then the restoration process should start. Where these men begin the process of restoring this man to right fellowship, and helping to forbear him through his temptation and fault.
But if he will not hear the two or three people confronting his sin then they are to bring it before the church and the entire church is to confront the sin. If he hears the church then the entire church makes it a point to bear burdens, suffer when he suffers, to try to restore lost honor.
But if he will not hear the entire church then he is to be cast out. The problem with church discipline is that so many churches and Christian ministries skip point one, two and three and start on point four. Point one is to repent, point two is to repent, point three is to repent. Point four is if they will not repent then there is judgement. But the judgement only comes with a rejection of repentance.
The only place in the new testament where church discipline was practiced was in I Corinthians and II Corinthians, but if we miss the II Corinthians part we miss so much.
1Co 5:1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife.
1Co 5:2 And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.
1Co 5:3 For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed,
1Co 5:4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ,
1Co 5:5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.
According to I Corinthians 5 there was a man who was having sex with his step mother, and the church in Corinth asked Paul what to do. Paul wrote back that they should have mourned and kicked him out of the church because he is unrepentant. The church in Corinth had clearly confronted this man and he continued doing what he did, and he was still going to church with everyone else. Paul said to kick him out and let Satan have him. But then II Corinthians happens.
2Co 2:4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote unto you with many tears; not that ye should be grieved, but that ye might know the love which I have more abundantly unto you.
2Co 2:5 But if any have caused grief, he hath not grieved me, but in part: that I may not overcharge you all.
2Co 2:6 Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many.
2Co 2:7 So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.
2Co 2:8 Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.
2Co 2:9 For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things.
2Co 2:10 To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ;
2Co 2:11 Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.
After this man was kicked out of the church he endured a lot of suffering, and recognized his suffering was due to his sin. When he came back to the church the people were weeping over this man they had to kick out. They were weeping and praying that he would turn away from his sin, and when he came back they forgave him, and restored him. When someone has to be kicked out of church due to unrepentant sin then the church is praying and weeping for the prodigal to come back.
In the story of the prodigal son, when the prodigal son was in the pig pen he came to his senses and came home. The reason why the church kicks out members living in unrepentant sin should be for the sole purpose of allowing them to see what a mess they are making of their life. That cannot happen if they are in the local church. Once they see the mess they are making and repentance is sought then they should immediately be welcome back to the church. Because the final part of church discipline is repentance.
So church discipline is part one repentance, part two repentance, part three repentance, part four judgement, part five repentance.
I said that to say this, if you think confessing your sin will bring judgement you should not worry. If the person you confess your sin to is a little spiritual, and knows a little about the Bible then it should bring no judgement.
That said please note just because you confess your sin to a spiritual man in the church does not mean he can help you, and there are a lot of reasons for that.
Spend at least a month getting to know the man you intend to confess your sin to. Confess other faults to him and see if he can help you out. If he is judgmental, hypocritical, Pharisee then you know better than to say anything to him. If he simply does not have the time or experience to help you, then you know to find someone else. If he is to immature to help find someone more mature.
In the scripture on fasting article there were two places in scripture where fasting came before confession. Fast before you confess. Pray and fast how you reveal this sin, not to mention pray and fast on how to build a relationship so that you can reveal this addiction.
Bearing the burdens of other Christians including porn addiction is a very necessary part of any mature Christians life. Over in I Thessalonians 3:1 Paul said that when he could no longer forbear he went to Athens alone. In other words when he could no longer bear another Christians burdens he stepped out of the ministry until he could.
Just in case you have any question of what he was forbearing over in verse 5 he tells them that when he could no longer forbear he sent timothy lest that the tempter tempt them and make their labor in vain. In other words he was forbearing their temptation. When he couldn’t do it any more he sent Timothy.
Helping you deal with your addiction and temptation is a necessary part of a mature spiritual Christians life. No mature spiritual Christian will cast you out over your addiction. Only a phony would do that.
As you consider who to reveal this very personal addiction to I want to make this clear, an accountability partner is not enough. You need a mentor. Perhaps for a married man an accountability partner is enough because for the married man he can share a lot of very personal parts of his life with his wife, but for you as an unmarried you really need a mentor where you can share and glean so much more.
The books of I Timothy, II Timothy, and Titus were written to young men Paul was so close to he called them his sons in the faith. The book of Philemon was written for the purpose of helping out Paul’s Son in the faith Onesimus. When Paul calls these people his sons in the faith he is not using flowery religious language he is saying that he has gotten so close to these young men that he loves, yearns, cares, etc for them as a parent does their own child.
In a very real way your goal should be to develop a relationship like that with a man in the church where you are so close that you will be sending him a card on father’s day. A relationship so close that you can share anything with this man. They really talked about everything. From sex, to modesty, marriage, work, church, politics, qualifications, discipleship, etc. Nearly everything you would talk about only with someone you really trusted is mentioned in these four books. Paul was so close to Onesimus that he offered to pay any debts Onesimus had from the time Onesimus sinned.
I am not going to outline I Timothy, II Timothy, Titus and Philemon for you just because that would take tens of thousands of words, if not hundreds of thousands of words. But I would encourage you to read I Timothy, II Timothy, and Titus as a conversation, as a mentor to his disciple so you can see how interconnected Paul’s life was with these young men. Read Philemon and see how much Paul cared for this young man he called his son in the faith.
An accountability partner is not enough for you. You need to develop this relationship like Paul had with Timothy, Titus, and Onesimus.
Being an accountability partner is not enough for your accountability partner. Perhaps you think in confessing your sin you are an imposition and you don’t want to bother those spiritual people in the church with your sin. But the Bible says in 3 John 1:4 “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” When John says children here he is talking about the young people he mentored. The greatest joy he had in life was knowing these young people were doing right. But until you confess your sin and bring it into the light you will not be in a place to be mentored, and in doing so you are robing men of God of the greatest Joy they can experience.
Certainly its not great joy when you confess, but a year down the road, five years down the road, twenty years down the road, as you keep in contact with your mentor and they see you doing right that is the greatest joy. Don’t rob them of that experience!