Before You Date
Before we begin I would like to say that marriage and sex are not the greatest joys that this life has to offer. According to III John 1:4 Discipleship is the greatest joy this life has to offer.
Furthermore there are only two sins you can really commit that are unique to dating/courting. Having sex outside of marriage, and dating/courting someone who is not a Christian. Everything else falls into the category of wise and unwise. Todays discussion falls into the category of wise or unwise.
First of all since this is a porn addiction recovery site I would like to say I think its wise to wait 6 months (180 or so days) before you date or court.
The Bible behind this thought can be found in I Corinthians 7:25-26 “Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.
If you are addicted to porn then you have a present distress, especially if you cant go a week without looking at it. You should not be bringing a romantic interest into your mess. Clean up your mess and then pursue a romantic relationship. The Bible is also very clear here. If you don’t follow this advice you have not sinned. The Bible specifically says this is not a commandment.
I suggest being 180 days clean before you pursue a relationship. The 180 days is not arbitrary. The reason is two fold. The first 90 days of your recovery you will experience dopamine withdrawals. The second 90 days you will really get a good hard look at your heart.
After my first 90 days I spent the next 9 months coming face to face with a ton of reasons why it was inevitable that I ended up being addicted to porn. From how I viewed sex, to things I allowed to entertain me, to envy and covetousness, among many others. Most of that stuff was heart issues that I really just needed to focus on and deal with, and a relationship would have hindered the process.
However Proverbs 27:5 says that “Open Rebuke is better than secret love.” If you like someone go ahead and ask them out to see if they like you back. It does you no good to wonder if they like you or not, and it does them no good if they like you and you are too scared to ask them out.
When I say wait 6 months before you date/court I mean is that you should not pursue casual dating/courting, online dating, blind date, etc. If you meet someone and develop feelings for that specific person then go ahead and see how they feel. It’s better to be rebuked than to hold onto that.
Maybe you are a female and think you are not allowed to do this. First of all Proverbs 27:5 does not specifically say men here. I think it would apply to women too. And a Biblical example of a woman asking a man out is found in the book of Ruth. I do not know if in your situation asking a guy out is wise. I am saying that the Bible says that if you have feelings for someone open rebuke is better than secret love.
If you are under 18 or the person you like is under 18 then it would probably be a wise thing to talk to your parents, or their parents if only because parents have legal authority until the age of18. Honestly until you are 18 or they are 18 it is the parents choice, because that’s what the laws of the land says.
That said I think for many singles it would be very wise to set a goal that after 6 months of no masturbation and no porn that you intentionally put yourself out there to date. Put your profile on dating websites. Not just one of them, put it on all of them. Ask the people at your church if they know a nice Christian of the opposite sex that they could set you up on a blind date. Ask your pastor about singles meetings in the area, or further out.
If you have a specific call of God like me where you require a help meet that fits a very narrow profile, that’s one thing. If you are under 18 that’s another. But if you are just going to work a regular job for the rest of your life and go to church 2 or 3 times a week and your requirement for a spouse is simply a Christian who does right, why shouldn’t you just put yourself out there and date?
Before you date I would strongly encourage you to have a mentor of some kind.
As you overcome your porn addiction a mentor will make the process much easier, but a mentor is much more than that. A mentor can help you to quickly become the best you that you can be. A mentor can and should open doors for you, a mentor can and should point out flaws in you that you can not see, a mentor should help you overcome those flaws, a mentor must be a safe place to share your heart, and in return as the relationship develops you become a safe place for them to share their heart.
These are all lessons that you need to have to be the best you that you can be.
But when it comes to the realm of dating, especially the realm of before you date, a mentors best attribute is that they will help you become emotionally healthy.
I once had a conversation with a Christian councilor about married couples. He has counseled thousands of married couples. He said that every married couple he has ever counseled without exception has been at the same emotional health.
He described it this way. There are 10 levels of emotional health, 1 is hitler, 10 is Jesus. Everyone falls in between 1 and 10. Every married couple he has ever counseled has either both been 2, or both have been 3, or both have been 7. A person with an emotional health of 5 never marries a 4 or a 6. They will always marry a 5.
The example he gave was a woman marrying a man who beats her. They both have an emotional health of 2 and he can prove it. The mans emotional health is 2 because he beats his wife, and his wifes emotional health is 2 because she lets him beat her. Lets say he leaves his wife. If she remarries she is probably going to marry another man who beats her. Even though two people have the same emotional health level, they usually have different emotional health problems.
As a single person you need to accept the fact that you will marry someone with the same emotional health as you. Many singles struggling with porn addiction wonder why they cant seem to date much less marry. The reality is that you are probably unwilling to date someone as emotionally unhealthy as you. To date and marry you must either lower your standard, or get more emotionally healthy.
Certainly part of that process will involve addiction recovery. But don’t just stop there. If you have stuff on your heart, share it, no matter how bad, terrible, boring, awful you think it is.
If you have a dream for your life share it.
If you were molested as a child, share it.
Whatever is on your heart share. Especially with a mentor. A mentor should be a mature enough Christian that whatever you share with them they can at least keep it private. But you may just be surprised by how much direction they can bring to your life and how much healings, and blooming it brings to your life.
On a further note if you get married while still addicted to porn, you will obviously have low emotional health. The porn addiction is the manifestation of that low emotional health. The person you marry will have the same emotional health level as you but their manifestation of low emotional health will likely be something very different. Getting married while addicted to porn will mean bringing your emotional health problems into your marriage and their emotional health problems into marriage, which will at least double your emotional health problems.
Having a mentor can really help you deal with these problems, before you date. Please deal with these problems before you date.
Finally I advise that whatever your fantasy on dating/courting is, let it go.
You do not know the circumstances you will be in or the circumstances of the person you marry will be in when you start to date/court. As far as I am concerned the purpose of dating/courting is to develop emotional intimacy, see if you can work together and worship together. Circumstances will require you to answer these questions differently than someone else in different circumstance.
Some will be able to date normally, or court by the book. Other people will have a whirlwind romance. I know three couples who got married within 5 weeks of meeting each other. Other circumstance will require you dating/courting for years. Then there is the totally weird, God must have put them together circumstances.
I know one guy who was in the military, and he was shipped overseas. His roommate had a girl writing to him, and asked my friend if he wanted his girlfriend to write to him. A few months later my friend through LETTERS got serious with his roommates girlfriend, and asked his roommate if it was okay if he asked his roommates girlfriend to marry my friend. My friends roommate said he was never that close to the girl so it was fine by him. So my friend called this girl up and asked her to marry him over the phone. She said yes, and they met a week before they got married.
I know another couple, where the girl has parents who are missionaries in brazil. She met this guy in church and they became face book friends and didn’t talk or message each other for YEARs then one day for a reason they cannot remember they started talking on face book, and skyping each other. He flew down to brazil to ask her dad if he could marry her, and then a little while later they got married.
This isn’t even touching on all the other nontraditional ways people get married. Simply put when it comes to dating/courting be flexible, don’t expect it to go how you expect, and have fun, you are writing your own unique story.
Furthermore there are only two sins you can really commit that are unique to dating/courting. Having sex outside of marriage, and dating/courting someone who is not a Christian. Everything else falls into the category of wise and unwise. Todays discussion falls into the category of wise or unwise.
First of all since this is a porn addiction recovery site I would like to say I think its wise to wait 6 months (180 or so days) before you date or court.
The Bible behind this thought can be found in I Corinthians 7:25-26 “Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.
If you are addicted to porn then you have a present distress, especially if you cant go a week without looking at it. You should not be bringing a romantic interest into your mess. Clean up your mess and then pursue a romantic relationship. The Bible is also very clear here. If you don’t follow this advice you have not sinned. The Bible specifically says this is not a commandment.
I suggest being 180 days clean before you pursue a relationship. The 180 days is not arbitrary. The reason is two fold. The first 90 days of your recovery you will experience dopamine withdrawals. The second 90 days you will really get a good hard look at your heart.
After my first 90 days I spent the next 9 months coming face to face with a ton of reasons why it was inevitable that I ended up being addicted to porn. From how I viewed sex, to things I allowed to entertain me, to envy and covetousness, among many others. Most of that stuff was heart issues that I really just needed to focus on and deal with, and a relationship would have hindered the process.
However Proverbs 27:5 says that “Open Rebuke is better than secret love.” If you like someone go ahead and ask them out to see if they like you back. It does you no good to wonder if they like you or not, and it does them no good if they like you and you are too scared to ask them out.
When I say wait 6 months before you date/court I mean is that you should not pursue casual dating/courting, online dating, blind date, etc. If you meet someone and develop feelings for that specific person then go ahead and see how they feel. It’s better to be rebuked than to hold onto that.
Maybe you are a female and think you are not allowed to do this. First of all Proverbs 27:5 does not specifically say men here. I think it would apply to women too. And a Biblical example of a woman asking a man out is found in the book of Ruth. I do not know if in your situation asking a guy out is wise. I am saying that the Bible says that if you have feelings for someone open rebuke is better than secret love.
If you are under 18 or the person you like is under 18 then it would probably be a wise thing to talk to your parents, or their parents if only because parents have legal authority until the age of18. Honestly until you are 18 or they are 18 it is the parents choice, because that’s what the laws of the land says.
That said I think for many singles it would be very wise to set a goal that after 6 months of no masturbation and no porn that you intentionally put yourself out there to date. Put your profile on dating websites. Not just one of them, put it on all of them. Ask the people at your church if they know a nice Christian of the opposite sex that they could set you up on a blind date. Ask your pastor about singles meetings in the area, or further out.
If you have a specific call of God like me where you require a help meet that fits a very narrow profile, that’s one thing. If you are under 18 that’s another. But if you are just going to work a regular job for the rest of your life and go to church 2 or 3 times a week and your requirement for a spouse is simply a Christian who does right, why shouldn’t you just put yourself out there and date?
Before you date I would strongly encourage you to have a mentor of some kind.
As you overcome your porn addiction a mentor will make the process much easier, but a mentor is much more than that. A mentor can help you to quickly become the best you that you can be. A mentor can and should open doors for you, a mentor can and should point out flaws in you that you can not see, a mentor should help you overcome those flaws, a mentor must be a safe place to share your heart, and in return as the relationship develops you become a safe place for them to share their heart.
These are all lessons that you need to have to be the best you that you can be.
But when it comes to the realm of dating, especially the realm of before you date, a mentors best attribute is that they will help you become emotionally healthy.
I once had a conversation with a Christian councilor about married couples. He has counseled thousands of married couples. He said that every married couple he has ever counseled without exception has been at the same emotional health.
He described it this way. There are 10 levels of emotional health, 1 is hitler, 10 is Jesus. Everyone falls in between 1 and 10. Every married couple he has ever counseled has either both been 2, or both have been 3, or both have been 7. A person with an emotional health of 5 never marries a 4 or a 6. They will always marry a 5.
The example he gave was a woman marrying a man who beats her. They both have an emotional health of 2 and he can prove it. The mans emotional health is 2 because he beats his wife, and his wifes emotional health is 2 because she lets him beat her. Lets say he leaves his wife. If she remarries she is probably going to marry another man who beats her. Even though two people have the same emotional health level, they usually have different emotional health problems.
As a single person you need to accept the fact that you will marry someone with the same emotional health as you. Many singles struggling with porn addiction wonder why they cant seem to date much less marry. The reality is that you are probably unwilling to date someone as emotionally unhealthy as you. To date and marry you must either lower your standard, or get more emotionally healthy.
Certainly part of that process will involve addiction recovery. But don’t just stop there. If you have stuff on your heart, share it, no matter how bad, terrible, boring, awful you think it is.
If you have a dream for your life share it.
If you were molested as a child, share it.
Whatever is on your heart share. Especially with a mentor. A mentor should be a mature enough Christian that whatever you share with them they can at least keep it private. But you may just be surprised by how much direction they can bring to your life and how much healings, and blooming it brings to your life.
On a further note if you get married while still addicted to porn, you will obviously have low emotional health. The porn addiction is the manifestation of that low emotional health. The person you marry will have the same emotional health level as you but their manifestation of low emotional health will likely be something very different. Getting married while addicted to porn will mean bringing your emotional health problems into your marriage and their emotional health problems into marriage, which will at least double your emotional health problems.
Having a mentor can really help you deal with these problems, before you date. Please deal with these problems before you date.
Finally I advise that whatever your fantasy on dating/courting is, let it go.
You do not know the circumstances you will be in or the circumstances of the person you marry will be in when you start to date/court. As far as I am concerned the purpose of dating/courting is to develop emotional intimacy, see if you can work together and worship together. Circumstances will require you to answer these questions differently than someone else in different circumstance.
Some will be able to date normally, or court by the book. Other people will have a whirlwind romance. I know three couples who got married within 5 weeks of meeting each other. Other circumstance will require you dating/courting for years. Then there is the totally weird, God must have put them together circumstances.
I know one guy who was in the military, and he was shipped overseas. His roommate had a girl writing to him, and asked my friend if he wanted his girlfriend to write to him. A few months later my friend through LETTERS got serious with his roommates girlfriend, and asked his roommate if it was okay if he asked his roommates girlfriend to marry my friend. My friends roommate said he was never that close to the girl so it was fine by him. So my friend called this girl up and asked her to marry him over the phone. She said yes, and they met a week before they got married.
I know another couple, where the girl has parents who are missionaries in brazil. She met this guy in church and they became face book friends and didn’t talk or message each other for YEARs then one day for a reason they cannot remember they started talking on face book, and skyping each other. He flew down to brazil to ask her dad if he could marry her, and then a little while later they got married.
This isn’t even touching on all the other nontraditional ways people get married. Simply put when it comes to dating/courting be flexible, don’t expect it to go how you expect, and have fun, you are writing your own unique story.